\nA LOVE <\/strong>FORBIDDEN<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 A long time ago, I once loved a very special cheese. You are no doubt shocked, as our love is frowned upon by the draconian social conventions of our time, and given the strict caste system of the food chain, I am forbidden to <\/span>wed\u00a0any nutriment beneath me. But I loved cheese more than any dairy product I have ever known before; nay, more than any item on the third level and left side of the FDA food pyramid! There! I don’t care if the whole world knows it!<\/span><\/p>\nLet me start at the beginning. I had gone out for a late–<\/span>night dinner with the man whom I was psychically commanding to be my boyfriend. We ordered a cheeseburger to split, and the waitress wanted to know what kind of cheese we wanted. As far as I was concerned this was none of her business and I rebuffed her meddling.<\/span><\/p>\nNonetheless, Steve urged me to try the pepperjack. I was apprehensive – I am always nervous around new cheeses, but I relented. The waitress left, seemingly satisfied with this information, and Steve assured me that she would not use it for malicious or seditious purposes. We continued our conversation, and I continued to telepathically will him to be my boyfriend.<\/span><\/p>\nThe hamburger arrived and Steve cut it in half. I was still able to sustain my silent mind control of him, and I couldn’t help but notice that the the manner in which he offered me the ketchup seemed overtly romantic, if not downright erotic, though some might use the word ‘perfunctory’. Be that as it may. I was apprehensive but I steadied myself and took a dainty bite. It was that moment that I fell madly, wildly in love. Here I suppose you are cheering Steve\u2019s and my nuptials \u2013 but it was not he with whom in love fell I.<\/span><\/p>\n“Steve? Steve who?<\/em>” I asked myself – facetiously, of course, for I knew Steve who, as he was sitting right beside me and I use hyperbole to illustrate my abrupt indifference to Steve. You see, before that moment I had not known cheese. And while Steve obliviously salted his french fries I instantaneously released him from my psychic grip, and pepperjack and I made hushed plans to elope that very morrow.<\/span><\/p>\nThe next morning I set about happily packing my trousseau. Pepperjack and I had planned a private ceremony on a secluded beach in the Bahamas and the bus left in just a couple of hours. The doorbell rang. Surely this was my beloved cheese come to whisk me away to the Greyhound station to begin our new lives together!<\/span><\/p>\nI flung the door open. It was my father wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with the delightful aphorism You’ll Get My Gun When You Pry It Out of My Cold, Dead Hands<\/em> and a jaunty cap bearing the epigram When Guns Are Outlawed Only Outlaws Will Have Guns.<\/em> I always delighted in Daddy\u2019s witticisms, and then I saw a shotgun in his hands.<\/span><\/p>\nHe burst through the door. “Where’s the cheese?!\u201d he yelled. \u201cWhere\u2019s that no-good son of a -?!” My heart hammered with fear. How had Daddy learned about Pepperjack and me? Had Steve seen our clandestine canoodling and then alerted my father? He knew<\/em> Daddy was virulently lactoseintolerant! This could only be Steve’s vicious retaliation for me having ceased my psychic control of him.<\/span><\/p>\n“Daddy,” I said, “Daddy, calm down.” At that very moment, my pepperjack came bounding up the sidewalk clutching a single red rose. Father whirled around.<\/span><\/p>\n“Daddy, no!” I cried. It was too late. A shot rang out and my pepperjack crumbled to the ground in a heap, bits of curds splattered on the steps. The rose fell from his grasp. I flung myself over the lifeless wedge and wept. My beloved dairy product died there, on the threshold of our lives together.<\/span><\/p>\nPeople have tried to comfort me by saying things like, “There are other cheeses, dear,” or “Better this than having to watch him die a long, painful death from something like mold.” Even my best friend said, “He’s in a better place now.” But I cannot imagine that laying in a landfill somewhere amidst disposable diapers, frozen pizza boxes and banana peels is “a better place.”<\/span><\/p>\nSo you see – love does not conquer all. For Pepperjack and I have tried.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n———————<\/p>\n
Interview<\/p>\n
K: I found the entire book to be incredibly funny, and quite touching at times.\u00a0 A friend lent me her copy and I read it in pretty much one sitting the next day.\u00a0 Was it a pleasurable experience putting these stories down on paper?\u00a0 I\u2019m wondering whether it was cathartic, or whether the embarrassments were such old news at this point that it\u2019s just like telling an old joke?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
MJP: Thank you for your kind words. I\u2019m delighted you liked it! I found it cathartic writing these stories, but not for the reason I think you may be suggesting. One of the things I talk about in this book is how my first \u201cbook\u201d went horribly wrong and my embarrassment about that. So re-writing many of those stories for this volume, having more experience under my belt and being surer of my \u201cvoice\u201d, was really cathartic and fun. And I cut a lot of stuff, which is very freeing – knowing some of it wasn\u2019t right or fully developed.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\nIn one part of the book, you talk about how when you were growing up, \u201chomemade cake\u201d meant you used a box mix and added eggs and water– rather than just buying the cake at the gas station.\u00a0 I was wondering if you knew that, when they were first making boxed cake mix, they were going to include powdered egg, but in the end they left it out just to give people something to do so they could feel involved.\u00a0 That\u2019s not much of a question, just a depressing fact.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I didn\u2019t know that! You do wonder, don\u2019t you, what the thinking was behind that. \u201cWe want housewives in this new era of \u2018convenience\u2019 to feel that they participated in the process and were agents in its completion!\u201d You wonder if there was a sense of paternalism behind it, to the effect of \u201cWe want the little lady to feel fulfilled! Go on! Break real eggs!\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n
But how has your attitude towards food changed?\u00a0 You mention working at Bon Appetite, did they convert into a foodie at all?\u00a0 Do you own a stove now?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I do have a stove, and I actually cook! And yes, there\u2019s a story in my book about living in New York in an efficiency apartment without a functioning stove all the while working at Bon Appetit magazine. What I learned at Bon Appetit is that not everything had to be fast food or takeout. I got turned on to goat cheese. I discovered mole which blew my mind \u2013 you can have chocolate NOT in a candy bar?! Together with Mexican food?!?! I learned the difference between compote and compost.<\/em><\/p>\nMy small town Midwestern palate was used to an assault of food \u2013 bland, mushy combinations which, don\u2019t get me wrong, have their place (tater tot casserole \u2013 \u2018nuff said) but as a person who struggles with, ahem, over-ingestion of foodstuff, discovering subtlety and variety has helped me eat healthier. I also learned the idea of quality not quantity.<\/em><\/p>\nAnd yes, we have a stove. A gas stove. When company comes a-callin\u2019 and take note of the gas stove, I\u2019m told it\u2019s desirable. What do I know?!<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n
At several points, you reference a love of reading.\u00a0 Care to share a few of your favorites, particular stuff you find funny?\u00a0 Do you read any other Midwestern essayists (if that what you\u2019d consider this book), like maybe Michael Perry (Population 451, Truck)?\u00a0 You have a very different style from him, but perhaps similar sensibilities.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Oh, I\u2019ll have to check out Michael Perry! Thanks for turning me on to him.<\/em><\/p>\nI read David Sedaris (natch); I just read \u201cThe Best Essays of 2011\u201d which was wonderful; I\u2019m a huge Melville fan and he\u2019s actually really funny; \u201cConfederacy of Dunces\u201d is so funny I can\u2019t even laugh at it \u2013 I just gasp and go lay down. Oooh, and there\u2019s Merrill Markoe, Ann LaMotte\u2026<\/em><\/p>\nI read a lot of non-fiction: a couple of my favorites are \u201cIn The Heart of The Sea\u201d by Nathanael Philbrook which I absolutely hated to see end, and \u201cTriangle: The Fire That Changed America.\u201d I wish I could write and research like that \u2013 taking a vast amount of information and making it come together in an unputdownable book.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\nRight now I have pile of memoirs next to the bed and which I plan on taking on our vacation to the Gulf of Mexico this summer: Dick Van Dyke, Keith Richards, Dyan Cannon, and the one Jerry Lewis wrote about his time with Dean Martin.<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n
And I can hardly talk to Mary Jo Pehl and not bring up MST3K.\u00a0 And actually, in a funny way, MST3K is a perfect example of the kind of experience we\u2019re searching for on this site.\u00a0 It was very much a product of the Midwest, and could not be mistaken as being from somewhere else\u2026 it\u2019s interesting, several times already I\u2019ve referenced the Midwest, and I don\u2019t really know how strongly you identify as a Midwesterner.\u00a0 Is that something you consider an important identifier, or fairly meaningless to you?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t know how much of an identifier it is, as it is part and parcel of who I am. Once simply does not divest oneself of one\u2019s regionalism or background, I suppose, Holly Golightly notwithstanding.<\/em><\/p>\nOne of the things I adored about MST3K was that mostly all the writers and actors came from the Midwest and we made midwestern references. We were all brought up on television shows that took place in Los Angeles or New York and those settings were a given. I loved that we got to do the same, only with the Midwest.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\nI really get miffed at people who used the Midwest as a litmus test of narrow-mindedness or conservatism. People often don\u2019t get how progressive the Midwest is. I find as much or more provincialism in New York or L.A. with their ideas of how provincial we are!<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n
Of course now you are doing Cinematic Titanic.\u00a0 How have you been enjoying that?\u00a0 I bought tickets to the show in Milwaukee a few weeks ago but last minute work stuff prevented me from going.\u00a0 Please tell me you\u2019re planning on continuing the CT tours so that I\u2019ll have more chances to see a show.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
We were wondering where you were. We held the show for about 45 minutes wondering when the hell Keith was going to get there. And hell, no, we\u2019re not continuing the tour so that you have more chances to see a show. You blew it.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"A special treat this week: our first book review. A friend recently lent me a copy of the book Employee of the Month and Other Big Deals by Mary Jo Pehl. You might recognize that name–we’ll come back to that. The book is a collection of essays drawn from some of the more embarassing moments from her life growing up and living in Minnesota, and then moving to New York City and beyond. Dating, jobs, political dynasties, USDA nutrition guidelines…it’s all there.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":5867,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[133,134],"tags":[399,402,403,398,400,396,397,401],"class_list":["post-3936","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-art-culture","category-cheese","tag-a-love-forbidden","tag-book","tag-cinematic-titanic","tag-employee-of-the-month","tag-interview","tag-mary-jo-pehl","tag-mst3k","tag-review","has-featured-image"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/driftlessappetite.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3936","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/driftlessappetite.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/driftlessappetite.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/driftlessappetite.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/driftlessappetite.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3936"}],"version-history":[{"count":25,"href":"https:\/\/driftlessappetite.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3936\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5869,"href":"https:\/\/driftlessappetite.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3936\/revisions\/5869"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/driftlessappetite.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/5867"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/driftlessappetite.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3936"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/driftlessappetite.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3936"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/driftlessappetite.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3936"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
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